This post summarize the book The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane.
1- Charysma Demystified
Make others feel intelligent, impressive, and fascinating.
Charisma in conversation:
- Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences.
- Reduce how quickly and how often you nod.
- Pause for two full seconds before you speak.
2- The Charismatic Behaviors
- Presence
- Power
- Warmth
Presence
When talking to someone be fully present at 100%, pay attention.
Power and Warmth
Look powerful but never forget about warmth.
Charisma begin in the mind. To reflect a charismatic behavior you must feel internally the emotion in order to reflect the right body language. What your mind believes, your body manifests.
Just by getting into a charismatic mental state, your body will manifest a charismatic body language.
3- The Obstacles to Presence, Power, and Warmth
Physical Discomfort
Sunny day with wool suit can put you in a physical discomfort and so reduce your charisma. To counteract:
- Prevent
- Recognize
- Remedy or explain (“Would you mind if we move just a bit?”)
Mental Discomfort
Anxiety caused by uncertainty
Learn the ability to be comfortable with anxiety: ex responsibility transfer meditation.
Dissatisfaction caused by comparison
Notice when you’re making comparisons and use the responsibility transfer technique to alleviate any internal discomfort it may have caused.
Self-Criticism
Don’t critic yourself.
Self-doubt
The impostor syndrome is worst among high performers.
4- Overcoming the Obstacles
Handling any difficult experience or uncomfortable emotions is a three-step process:
- Destigmatize discomfort
- Reducing its power simply by understanding that it’s normal, common, and nothing to be anxious about or ashamed of. People you admire feel the same emotions.
- Neutralize negativity
- The next time you think you see coldness or reservation in someone’s face while they’re talking to you, try to remember that it could simply be the visible signs of their internal discomfort.
- Sometimes our mind will present us with a seriously distorted view of reality. And the distortion often skews negative because the elements that our danger-focused brain deems important are usually the most negative ones (negativity bias) : eliminate them.
- Rewrite reality
- Simply imaging an alternative explanation/reality is often enough to reduce anger or impatience and generate compassion instead.
- Putting it all together
Getting comfortable with Discomfort
Focus on your emotions of discomfort: full presence. And be comfortable with it.
Exercice yourself to do discomfort behaviours (weird) in your day to day life: talk to strangers, touch strangers etc…
5- Creating Charismatic Mental States
Visualization
Visualize yourself in a confident moment and feel it, sound, touch, images.
Before a presentation, a meeting or an important event, visualize yourself succeeding with as much details as possible.
Gratitude, goodwill, and compassion
Step one: gratitude and appreciation
Be grateful for every little thing. Exercice: visualise your funeral with all details and be grateful to be still alive. Feel warmth and good mental state.
Step two: goodwill and compassion
Goodwill is the simple state of wishing others well. Search for positive elements in the people you talk to. Imagine the person as having invisible angel wings.
Step three: self-compassion
- Self-confidence: si our belief in our ability to do or to learn how to do something
- Self-esteem: is how much we approve of or value ourselves. It’s often a comparison-based evaluation (whether measured against other people or against our own internal standards for approval)
- Self-compassion: is how much warmth we can have for ourselves, especially when we’re going through a difficult experience.
- 1st step: realize you are experiencing difficulties
- 2nd: responding with kindness and understanding toward ourselves when we are suffering or feeling inadequate instead of being critical
- 3rd: realizing that whatever we’re going through is commonly experienced by all human beings
Exercice: Metta
Using your body to affect your mind
Displaying confident body language will actually make you feel more confident, these feelings will then affect your body language. Imagine yourself as a four stars army general…
Warming Up
Before an important meeting, dîner be careful to well choose what you do before: meet good friend, do sport, avoid sad songs…
6- Different charisma styles
Focus charisma: presence and confidence
Focus on listening to people, be present.
Good in business, consulting, less when you need to appear authoritative or during emergencies when you need immediate compliance.
Visionary charisma: belief and confidence
Conviction and certitude : powerful because of our natural discomfort with uncertainty. Based on power and warmth. Vision should include a certain amount of nobility and altruism. You can use the rewrite reality technique or responsibility transfer to free yourself from uncertainty.
Good when you want to inspire people.
Kindness charisma: warmth and confidence
Based on warmth and make people feel completely cherished, accepted. To develop it express gratitude, goodwill, compassion and self compassion. Do not express any criticism so no physical discomfort. Disadvantages: people can over-attach. Not good when you want to be authoritative.
Authority charisma: Status and confidence
- Body language: project power and confidence
- Appearance
- Title
No excessif nodding, no fidgeting. Speak less, speak more slowly, pause, intonation.
Disadvantages: appear arrogant, people scary to feedback to you.
Choose the right style for you, you can use more than one in different situations.
7- Charismatic first impressions
First impression is the more important. You can change it but it is very difficult.
To make first good impression mimic the other person to be like him.
Have a good handshake. Perpendicular, embrace other hand with yours, fingers one by one.
Break the ice
To communicate warmth and send the conversation down to the right path, offer a compliment about something the person is wearing. Ask “What is the story behind it?”.
Where are you from? What was it like growing up there? What brought you here tonight? How are you connected to this event?
- Avoid yes no questions.
- When question are asked to you redirect.
- Use “you” statement instead of “I”. “You might enjoy the recent article…”
- Focus on their fields of interest and find the metaphor in that field.
Graceful exists
Don’t wait too long to end a conversation.
The easiest way is to have an official reason for doing so. Another way to exit with grace is to offer something of value.
“You know, based on what you’ve just said, you really should check out this website. If you have a card, I’ll send you the link.” As soon as your counterpart gives tous a business card: “Great! I’ll email you soon. It was a pleasure meeting you.” (Information). Work also with connection (with someone, then you leave), visibility and recognition.
What impacts people isn’t the word or content used but how it felt to be speaking with you.
8- Speaking and Listening with charisma
Charismatic listening
Focus when you listen to someone and never interrupt him. If he interrupt you let interrupt you, it’s ok.
Extraordinary trick: pause 2sec before you answer.
- They finish their sentence
- Your face absorbs
- Your face reacts (2 seconds)
- Then, and only then, you answer
Charismatic Speaking
Create positive associations with you, not negatives.
Make people feel great, special and listened. Don’t try to impress people, let them impress you.
Accept compliments
- Stop
- Absorb the compliment
- Absorption show on your face. Show them hey had an impact
- Thank you very much, you have made my day
Get graphic
Visionary charismatics make full use of the power of images. Use visual metaphor as much as possible.
Use as many of the 5 senses as possible.
Avoid White Elephant
The first thing you see when you say don’t think about the White Elephant is the White Elephant…
- Don’t use: “Don’t worry” or “Don’t hesitate to call”.
- Use: “We’ll take care of it” and “Please feel free to call anytime”.
Deliver High Value
When you ask someone to listen or read you they will make effort so they will expect to have value in return. Value can be:
- Entertainment: make it enjoyable
- Information: interesting or informative content
- Good feelings: find a way to make them feel important or good about themselves
Deliver high value for low effort.
Tuning Your Voice
Increasing voice fluctuation means making your voice vary in any of the following ways: pitch (high or low), volume (loud or quiet), tone (resonant or hollow), tempo (fast or slow), or rhythm (fluid or staccato).
Vocal power: slow, measured tempo, insert pauses between your sentences, and drop intonation at the end.
Vocal warmth: smile or even just imagine smiling.
9- Charismatic Body Language
Emotional Contagion
Leader’s emotions are contagious, so be careful to always spread good emotions.
Conscious Mirroring
Try to always mirror your counterpart so he will like you.
If your counterpart is having anxious gestures, mimic him when you are listening to him. The when it is your turn to talk use new positive gestures.
When your counterpart has close gestures, tend him a pen, a pace of paper to reset his gestures. The when it is your turn to talk use new positive gestures.
Personal space
When your counterpart step his body or his head back give him some more space.
Very important to choose the right seat around the table, don’t put the table between you and your counterpart. Sit next or 90 degree angle.
Be careful when your counterpart is seating with their back to an open space. Their discomfort would likely affect their perception of you.
Your Eyes, the windows to your soul
Profound eye contact with your counterpart, focus on him. How many times he blinks or eyes color… keep your eyes relaxed, soft focus.
Keep eye contact for three full seconds at the end of your interaction with someone.
The Right Posture for Nonverbal Power
Project power and confidence.
Be the big gorilla
Occupy as much space as possible, put your arm on the other chair, sit on a desk… inflate chest, be straight
Regal Posture
- Don’t nod too much, once is ok.
- Don’t fidget, tug at your clothes, bob your head, twitch your shoulder, say “uh-huh”, use short sentences (Oh, I agree) – non verbal and verbal reassurance – too much.
- Replace it with stillness and silence.
10- Difficult situations
Dealing with difficult people
If they are in group, divide to better conquer. And use different style of charisma.
Make them rationalize in your favor, ask for a service or an opinion so to be consistent they will think they like you.
Find ways to remind them of any help they’ve given you in the past. Express appreciation for their help, it will make them rationalize.
Express gratitude and appreciation. Be specific: “the way you kept your calm when that client became obnoxious was impressive.” When you show people how they’ve impacted you or impacted a project, they feel that they’ve in a sense made you (or owner of the project).
When you deal with someone nasty, difficult, imagine their parent died few hours ago (empathy). It’s not for their sake but for you. Anxiety and anger is not good for you.
Delivering bad news
Try to have a gadget they can play with near him so he can play with. Choose a comfortable location.
Candles and firelight have the same distracting effect. This is why they are so prized in romantic situations. Constantly moving éléments give people the feeling that there’s something happening in the background that they can turn their attention to when they need a distraction.
Body language will be very important here. When delivered with care, concern, understanding body language it will be better received.
Delivering Criticism
Delivering criticism is a necessary evil when necessary.
- Think about your timing and location. Be empathetic. Try to provide it (positive feedback) as soon as possible after witnessing the behavior you want to change.
- Get into the right mindset, compassion and empathy. Imagine your respected mentor is watching you when delivering criticism to someone.
- Be specific, few key points.
- Depersonalize as much as possible. Communicate that what you’re critiquing is the behavior and facts, not the person.
Instead of saying “Why do always procrastinate?” Say “When you wait until …, I feel anxious”.
You can also not mention his action at all: “When I don’t see a finished presentation until the last minute, I feel anxious”.
Start and finish with a positive note. Tell them what you want to see, don’t what you don’t want to see. End with next steps, appreciation that they took positively your feedback.
“In the future, I’d greatly appreciate it if the presentation could be ready a few days in advance”.
“You know, I might not be explaining this the right way. Let me try again.”
Apologies: what to do when things go wrong
First step: forgive yourself to be in a good mental state.
Fully listen to the counterpart without interrupting him. Ask questions, rephrase.
Say I am sorry instead of just sorry. Then show what you will do make things right or it never happen again.
Phone and email
Close your eyes when on phone to focus.
Do not answer the phone in a warm or friendly manner. Instead crisply and professionally first, then only after hear who is calling, let warmth pour in your voice.
Use as much as possible you statement instead of I in the emails. Put what interest the other at the beginning of the email.
Perfection is not when there is no more to add but when there is no more to subtract.
11- Presenting with charisma
Make it as simple as possible! Tell stories, use metaphors, analogies, numbers or statistics. Brain think in triad (medals, three princes…) so use 3 points at a time.
There is no Q&A at the end so if you have questions ask them during the speech.
- Use “you” as much as possible, use their words, metaphors, analogies…
- Get graphic
- Keep it short
Clothing: red energy, black serious, white honesty innocence, blue trust (the more dark the more deep), gray neutral, orange and yellow to avoid.
Own the stage, move confidently on the stage. Take as much space as possible on the stage.
Talk as you were giving them a secret. Give one to two second per person eye contact. Pause 3 seconds before you start and at the end.
Voice fluctuation, intonation drops, pause, breathe and slow down.
Think about positive moment during the presentation.
Midcourse corrections (you do something wrong during the presentation): Destigmatize and dedramatize, remember that it happens to everyone, find things to be grateful, imagine getting a great hug from you brother. Expect things go wrong.
12- Charisma in a Crisis
People are charisma hungry during crisis times.
- Stay (appear) calm, confident, dedramatize, rewrite reality…
- Express high expectations for others, or better act like they already meeting these standards.
- Articulate a vision.
- Be confident, bold and decisive about the vision.
13- The Charismatic Life
Magnet for Praise as well for Envy
Charisma consequences: people will envy you. So you can refuse the glory, reflect the glory, transfer the glory.
Ask opinions to envious people, and make them feel they had an impact on you so they will feel part (responsible) of your success.
JALIR SEQUENCE.
- Justification why you call them
- Appreciation: Thank them for what they did to help you
- Lay it all out: Demonstrate how the person helped you
- Tell the the impact it had on you
- Give them credit so they feel responsible and part of your success so they will continue to help you
People can reveal too much
It’s your job not to give in to the high, no to let them reveal more than they are ready for.
If they start revealing something that they may regret, interject a “me too” story.
You’re in the spotlight and held to higher standards
Show vulnerability: “You know, I have to tell you…” “I am feeling a bit nervous about saying this, but…” make it a secret.
Do a responsibility transfer to have a confident body language. Even if It must remain aligned with the context.
Sometimes it works when it shouldn’t
Combine logical arguments with emotions, passion and charisma you can convince anyone, even if you are wrong.
CHARISMA: BEHAVIORS THAT PROJECT PRESENCE, POWER AND WARMTH.